This is a post I have been wanting to write for a while and tried to do yesterday, but I struggled with the start of school at home, juggle of working from home, kids online gymnastics and exercise classes starting, and getting all of the house stuff done (ie feeding everyone so much food, a million times a day!). So it didn’t get finished yesterday, which means I’m ignoring my feelings of ‘I missed it and can’t post now, leaving the words to languish another year in the blog drafts folder’ and just hitting ‘publish’ on it today, a day late, instead.
Yesterday marked 17 years married for Matt and I. It sure hasn’t been smooth sailing, the last few years have been particularly tough and we have definitely pushed the limits, but I’m proud we’ve made it this far and have created four beautiful kids and a stack of amazing memories together.
Matt and I started our journey as a couple at 18 years old, after having gone to school together, with parents who were friends and played squash with each other, we had known each other since we were five years old.
We are still learning, still trying to figure things out, but I do like to think we are a little bit wiser now and have a few bits of advice we have learned the hard way, about marriage that we would like to pass on to our kids, so here is Marriage Advice Chapter One, delivered after a short 17 years of experience. If we heed our own advice, fingers crossed there will be lots more chapters to come.
Here goes, some advice from mum (Jess) and dad (Matt) about marriage for our kids …….
Matt 23 years old, Jess 22 years old – so young!
- Marriage is not a fairytale, it is not easy and requires work every day, week, month and year. Make time for your relationship, invest in it, make it a priority in your life. Dad says, “think of it like watering trees – you get out what you put in”. It is easy to get stuck focusing on the the things that your partner doesn’t do for you and then use that as a justification to not do good things for them. This creates a cycle of hurt and resentment – do not do this! Time together is important. “Feeding” your marriage, regardless of what your partner did or didn’t do, will help it to grow and thrive.
?? “Well, sure, the vows say ‘in sickness and health’ and ‘for better or worse’ and all that, but that’s kind of like clicking okay, or ticking the box to the terms and conditions on forms and signing up to stuff, nobody reads or really pays attention to that …” – Lori Gottlieb ??
- Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Be kind, be positive. Any negative muck you give each other is totally unhelpful. Negative comments to each other will only taint a positive relationship. Do all you can to avoid criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, digs or snide remarks.
Don’t play the blame game – it goes nowhere good! Instead, try these steps:
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- recognize, name, and put action towards your part in the problem or issue.
- Own what you said or did first. (ie. Yes, I was shouting… )
- Acknowledge the other’s thoughts or feelings. ( i.e. It makes sense you’d think or feel… )
- Make amends and say what you’re going to do about it. (ie. I’m sorry. I’ll be mindful of that.)
Be mindful of your feelings. Remember what you feel is entirely dependent on what you think, what you thoughts are. Feelings can lie, be curious and questioning about your feelings.
- Your relationship will have a big impact on the rest of your life. Choose your partner carefully. See the flaws of each other and more importantly accept them. Honour and respect those differences to find your constant connection in spite of the differences that you have as individuals. Keep the bigger picture in mind, don’t let the little things de-rail your relationship.
“Love is not blind – It sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less.” Will Moss
- Remember the ‘u’ in the ‘us’. It is not up to your partner to make you happy – that is up to you. Work to understand yourself and what you need. You must learn to ask for what you need in a relationship – your partner is not a mind reader. Rather than focusing on what is lacking from your partner, work towards looking within yourself towards positive change and growth. Have more goals for yourself then you do for your spouse – you will be surprised about the good this can do in your relationship!
- Have the hard conversations – don’t avoid them. If you are feeling disfunction then you are probably avoiding a difficult conversation. Often we avoid a hard conversation thinking that we are acting in the other person’s best interest by preventing them from being hurt, or from disappointing them. However, we need to admit that this attitude comes from a place of arrogance and ego – a belief that we know what is best for someone else, rather than giving them the truth and letting them make their own decisions about what’s best for them. Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. It is insulting the other person to not reply, to not answer, to hold back information. It’s a form of manipulation. Having the hard conversation is actually kindness.
“When we avoid difficult conversations we trade short term discomfort for long term disfunction.” – Peak Persona
- Learn how to argue right – this is the most important skill required in your marriage – don’t be afraid to seek expert help via counselling to ‘upskill’ in this area as a couple. Aim to reach solutions that please you both. Aiming to get your own way is damaging in the long term. Aim instead for both of you to feel comfortable with your plan of action. If you can rapidly repair your relationship by knowing how to take responsibility for your part, having empathy for your partner’s feelings and taking action to move on, despite the challenges, you give your marriage the best chance of surviving.
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean”
- Communication is vital – create a system to enable time to talk in all chapters of your life together – this is particularly important for when kids come along and time and energy becomes short! This is why Dad and I started our 5am cups of tea and why you kids weren’t allowed to join us. Pay attention to the TONE with which you say things to each other – try to keep it kind and gentle (easier said than done, we know!)
Be clear on what you want and need. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.
- Now this is going to sound naff – especially for you boys, but take the time to work out your partner’s love language! This will help in so many ways! You will understand better when your partner is trying to show you love, and you will learn how to better love them in the ways they want to be loved. FYI – my love language is ‘words of affirmation’ (no surprise there) and Dad’s is ‘acts of service’ (no surprise their either). This can be helpful in extended family, friend and workplace relationships too! It is pretty quick and easy to do a free love languages assessment.
- Lastly, love grows, it really does. Hardship and working through tough things do make you and your relationship stronger. Don’t underestimate the value of commitment and grit.
Remember our family motto, “it’s not I can’t, it’s how can I??”
So there you go Jack, Tobes, Lex and Kipp. Words of Wisdom from Mum and Dad, learn from our mistakes, hey? Do as we say, not as we do, right? ?? Dad and I sure aren’t perfect but we’ll keep trying to be and do better every day, and know we will always be here with a listening ear and some hard learnt advice for you all in your life journey’s with your partners xoxoxo
❤️ LOVE ALWAYS ❤️
Great advice! Marriage is not always easy to negotiate but hopefully you guys will have many bountiful years to come. Happy Anniversary! Xoxo
Beautiful Jess (and Matt). We appreciate your frank, open and loving blog. Sincerely Tammy