A few weeks ago as I was doing my mindless, post dinner scrolling of Facebook, I came across a post by Mia Freedman. I really admire Mia and the journey she has taken with her online empire MammaMia and often find interesting and thought provoking content via her social media, books and podcasts.
This post though, has really had me thinking over the last few weeks and I’ve been jotting my thoughts down, trying to work through in my head what it is I feel – why the post has bothered me so much.
I’m trying to be a little braver too and voice my thoughts out loud in the theme of being conscious that the world needs more voices in it, more people taking a risk to express different opinions so we don’t just get sucked in to believing/hearing only those voices that are loudest. I also think that it is important to not just be a consumer of creativity and online content, but also to try and put some of your own ‘creating’ out into the world too – I think the world is a much more interesting place when that happens, and there seems to be fewer and fewer people creating these days.
Anyway, here’s the post that sparked all of this:
Ha! I know you are probably disappointed – it’s not anything mind blowing or super controversial!
The thing is, I get what Mia is saying here – we are a society of overloaded, anxious, stressed out humanoids and we really need to do something about that, to cut oursleves some slack. Honestly, I’m probably one of the worst for overthinking, overdoing, worrying about everything!
However, I don’t think ‘lowering our expectations’ is the right answer. Lowering expectations is not the key to happiness. This kind of thinking is so short term, such a bandaid kind of fix for the problems we have currently in society.
I’m seeing a lot of these ‘lowering the bar’ kind of posts/articles online at the moment, in all sorts of different aspects relating to life and I really believe they are detrimental, not helpful.
I don’t think we should ever lower the bar or stop believing we should set big, hairy, audacious goals.
I am absolutely a ‘reach for the moon and if you fall short you will still land among the stars’ kind of girl. All of the biggest achievements, greatest successes in my life and those that I have seen from others, have come from people having high expectations, or from setting crazy, scary goals to work towards.
Here’s a couple of examples from my own life:
- Being a swimmer as a teenager. I was a pretty hopeless swimmer to start with, I only joined the club because my little sister had awesome natural talent and did really well at the school swimming carnival without training and the local swim coach told mum and dad she should join the club. I came dead last in most of the swim meets we went to in that first year, it was pretty awful. But, I worked hard, had personal best times to try and beat, and kept going. Now, I never was a State Champion, or even an Age Champion at my school (grrrr Neischea hahahaha) but I gained a level of fitness, confidence, dedication, persistence and ability that stood me in good stead for much of my adult life – things I could never have gained had I not had a coach and parents who had high expectations of me and personal goals that I was helped to set, to push me forward. Sure it was hard work and there were definitely tears and disappointments in there that I thought were ‘the end of my teenage world’ at the time, but looking back, I am oh so grateful for the things I achieved/gained – even if I didn’t make it to the olympics.
- Our trip around Australia. We had HUGE expectations for that trip, a trip that was two years in the planning and working towards. Did it meet all of them? No way! But we ended up here farming, living a whole different life to one we ever expected and a life that has brought us so much happiness!
- My QLD Rural Women’s Award experience. I was gutted when I didn’t win the QLD Rural Women’s Award last year, so, so bummed and if I’m honest, a bit embarrassed. Yes – it did take me awhile to get over that, but I have had some terrific experiences and made some great connections as a result of just being in the running for the award – things that would never have happened had I not had a go.
I believe the key is absolutely to set goals and to have high expectations, BUT we have to be able to embrace failing. I think we all need to encourage more, to cheer people on, to help them on their paths to achieve where we can, and also then to pick them back up when they fall down! To be kind and understanding if others let us down, or don’t do something we expected of them.
Yes it’s important to celebrate the successes and wins, but it is equally, if not more essential, to encourage ‘having a go’ and to cheer on those who have failed to meet expectations!
It is in failure and attempting something that learning and improving happens. Rarely does anybody achieve greatness in the first try. Success comes from incremental steps. Awesome things come from taking a leap, missing, falling down, having a cry – maybe even a little rest, but then dusting ourselves off and having another go, from being encouraged and helped to try again. Achievement comes from putting one foot in front of the other, from taking one step at a time. It comes from doing the hard work and having expectations of ourselves and for other people.
We don’t do ourselves or society any favours in the long term if we lower the bar. Sure it might make us feel good in the moment to let ourselves off the hook, but our future selves will not thank us for it one little bit.
You know something else? Achievement builds confidence and brings JOY!
The key to happiness is achieving, not low expectations.
Achieving can be all kinds of things and it is different for everybody! It can be just getting ourselves dressed and out of bed in the morning, it can be nailing that birthday cake for our kid, it can be getting that dream job or becoming an olympic swimmer. The thing that remains the same is that achieving something, anything, that we have put expectations on ourselves to do, brings a huge sense of satisfaction and happiness! It may not happen on the first go, or the second or even the 20th, but if we accept that it is ok to fail, actually good to fail, and we keep just plugging away – we will get there, or at least a little closer to what we want.
Goals, expectations and achieving help to give our lives purpose and direction, no matter how big or small they are.
So don’t lower the bar, set your expectations for yourself and others high, dream big, set goals – who knows what could happen! Remember to be kind to yourself and others, to know that it is ok to fall short, fine to fail, there is always tomorrow!
I have high expectations of the world I want to live in, one where people are always doing their best to live the lives they imagine.
Love The Fealy Family xoxoxo
Mia is right- lowering expectation is how to ensure happiness. BUT happiness should not be confused with satisfaction – at having finally achieved a long worked-, towards goal; of making the world a better place. All of the easy going, relaxed people I know are not those at the coal face trying hard to bring about changes – eg increase women in leadership positions. Often their best asset is providing behind the scenes support for others. We all have different skills, and to feel fulfilled, must pursue whatever role suits our personality. The obsession with pursuing happiness often seems like a middle class, 21st century indulgence,to me. Far better to pursue the conquering of something difficult, that chips in to making the world better. And don’t worry about worrying – it takes wisdom to be concerned!
Thanks for taking the time to write a comment Fiona – it is always nice to know someone is reading out there in cyberspace! Interesting what you have said about the pursuit of happiness – I think I agree with you – less and less people chipping in to make the world a better place for sure. Hope your trip to the States is going well!
I loved this Jess! And likewise it takes me a little while to gather my thoughts on it! A little from Column A and a little from Column B! I think for the most part i agree with you. I think expectation is a shitty word. going back to uni days i actually feel like there is an alternate for expectation but can’t remember the concept. But i’ll go with the word expectation for now anyway. I think the issue with expectation is it is too easy to focus on the expectation itself that it becomes overwhelming and we loose sight of the process and of how that ONE expectation makes up the entirety of our big picture and that it is meant to add value to the entirety of our life not BE the entirety of our life. (Concept of if you are nothing without the gold medal you are nothing with.) We then forget to start where we are at. we forget to give credit and pride to the everyday moments that keep our BIG PICTURE ticking over and add value to our entire life while chasing that one ‘expectation’ in that area or the other one. Find pleasure / value in the pursuit… i guess. I just find myself at the moment having this loose, colourful idea (which includeds my values) of how i want my life or person to look and then i just keep trying to bring myself back to earth and “start where you are at”. Does this one step mimic something that picture person might do? Yes? Then go for it…. I’ve found myself freezing if i get too caught up on one particular goal or expectation of myself.
oh and another thought from a convo had with Dad (Probably over a rum or too haha!) years ago i think… or maybe not so long ago…. he said something along the lines of… “in this world…. if i didn’t expect big things of my kids… than who the hell would. No one is going to love or ‘see’ my kids as well as I. If i don’t teach them to think big, who will.”
Or something along the lines!! I believe i took from it that it is important to ‘expect’ big things of yourself or those in your sphere because at the end of the day… you teach the world how to treat you and who you are. If you know that’s expected of you than you start to believe you are capable. and belief is often the engine behind the doing hey?
I guess from there it is making sure stepping stones are clear and appreciated perhaps.
I like that thought about believing in your kids and having high expectations for them and also the way this impacts actions hmmmm – might have to be an add on!